Believer

Now I am not a religious person, but I can say that I believe in God, and something that is bigger than all of us. While I believe that we are all the designers of our destiny and that we can make our lives however we’d like, there is still a big part of me that believes everything happens for a reason. These past few days have been a whirlwind of emotions for me. This time last week I was with the love of my life, and our time spent together was completely amazing and I loved every second of it. You would think that I would have came home on some sort of high, elated by the fact I was able to see and spend time with him. Which in part, I was and still am. I am genuinely grateful and realize how blessed I am to have spent time with him and have him in my life. But I am human, and there is still this small part of me that can be selfish. I just wanted to stay with him, there forever, Because I felt complete and whole being by his side. It’s like when I am not with him a really big part of me is missing. Like I have this huge hole in my chest that can only be filled when we are together. It’s hard. Sometimes I see people who have their loved one’s so near and can see them, call them, hug and kiss them whenever they want. My initial instinct is to envy them, but then I start to think..

Yes, I would love more than anything to be able to have him home all the time again the way it used to be. This is where I think God came in for me.. Maybe if Victor never left to the army, I wouldn’t have appreciated him as much as I should. Maybe I would have taken him or our love for granted. Now, I don’t take a single moment, touch, or word for granted. I cherish every single thing shared between him and I. Today I got to talk to him for an hour on the phone first thing in the morning, and when I hung up I just kept saying “thank you, thank you, thank you.” to myself. Before that would have been something that meant little but now it means so much. As hard as this is I am blessed by the fact that now I know to appreciate what I have. This has just opened my eyes so much, and I see how lucky I am. Not just because I’m so in love with this amazing person, but also because I can see what a blessing this really is. Not having him here physically forces me to treasure what I have. I think this is something that should be done whether hard circumstances are thrown at us or not. This experience is making me build qualities I never had. I am finding strength, courage and faith I never knew existed within myself. Most of all love is what keeps me treading on.

Every time I get to see him, I am reminded of WHY I push through… why every tear shed, every minute where my heart physically aches, and those lonely nights are worth it. Because I love him. Because he is doing something positive with his life. Because I want nothing but the best for him. Because he needs me to be strong, Because I need me to be strong. Above all, because the time apart is not permanent. We will push through this and then we will have our entire lives to be together. I have learned to count my blessings, not troubles. And I am very, very blessed.